


you taste like strawberries and cigarettes

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar, Angst, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Moving On, Unrequited Love, pianist!tsukki, slight cigarette use, wrong time right person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24751549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: tsukishima had a fair warning after all, you never truly get over your first love.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 23
Kudos: 68





	you taste like strawberries and cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

> hi! enjoy the story!

Some days Tsukishima will lick his lips as the night air drifts through him. His pink tongue darts out, almost by habit at this point, enthralled by the taste of the fresh air lingering on his tastebuds. The crisp air bit against his cheeks, painting his cheeks a light rose. It doesn’t taste the same but it reminds him of Kuroo so he doesn’t stop. 

_“You'll be the death of me,” Kuroo breathed out, his body trembled as the blond pulled his body flush against him. Tsukishima smirked and peppered the crook of his neck with chaste kisses. He nipped at Kuroo’s tanned skin gently, enjoying the way it bloomed a pale crimson._

_“Maybe I’d rather be the reason you feel alive,” Tsukishima whispered against his skin, his hot breath making the older boy shiver. Tsukishima pressed his lips along the underside of his jaw and slowly traveled up the sides. Kuroo’s hands tangled themselves into his short hair, pulling it lightly._

_His golden eyes glazed over with lust as his eyes raked over Tsukishima’s body. His eyes dripped golden under the flickering lights. It looked sharp and dangerous, perfect. Tsukishima grazed his teeth over his neck, Kuroo swallowed roughly and tugged harder._

_Tsukishima let out a light whine as he moved upwards and pressed a kiss against his forehead._

One kiss to let you know I care for you.

_His lips trailed downwards and planted a light touch on his eyelid. Tsukishima bit back a smile as he watched it flutter delicately under the dim light._

One more to let you know I adore you.

_Kuroo let out a low growl as Tsukishima’s pink lips gently grazed the corner of his mouth._

One more to let you know I'm infatuated with you.

_Kuroo's hands ghosted over the the sides of his stomach, tentatively touching him as if he'd never held him before._

_"Here?" His fingers asked as it caressed his sides, tickling him slightly._

_"Can I touch you here?" It whispered to him as it sidled up his ribs. His fingers danced, counting each one as it moved._

_"Tell me to stop whenever," His fingertips slowed down, he felt the flat of Kuroo's hand push against his back. Their hearts sped up as they paused to take a breath and met each other's gaze._

_They both looked like messes, their lips were swollen and Tsukishima could've sworn he felt his quiver under Kuroo's eyes. Their lips were so red it looked almost burnt._

_Pride swelled in his chest, it was him who made Kuroo look like that. His face was flushed and they were both breathing heavily, the tension between them felt like cement around his feet._

_The hot night breeze gently encompassed them. The light taste of dew mingling with their taste as they both shut their eyes and leaned back in. Tsukishima’s lips melted into Kuroo’s, it tingled with heat and desire as he pressed deeper. His eyes closed as he found himself being swept farther and farther into the kiss._

_He tasted like smoke and strawberries. It was intoxicating, Tsukishima found himself craving more. Tsukishima wanted to drown in the flavors._

One more to let you know I'm addicted to you. ****

_I'm not brave enough to confess yet but let me stay with you, just a little while longer?_

There are some nights where Tsukishima will stay up till dawn on the roof, smearing strawberry chapstick across his lips and grimacing at the way the cigarettes taste when he’s sleep deprived. He’ll wait for the frigid wind to blow against him the next time he lets out a cloud of smoke.

It never did taste the same but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop trying. 

Some nights he’ll just stare at the moon, willing himself back into his memories. His mind strains as he tries to remember the way Kuroo’s eyes would almost glow with his desire. The way that Kuroo’s calloused hands grazed his spine playfully as he danced around Tsukishima made him ache with longing.

The way that Kuroo looked at him so many years ago still burned in to the backs of his eyes.

The memories are nothing compared to the real one but it’s all that he has. 

_“Don’t wait for me,” Kuroo’s eyes glinted as he teased the younger boy._

_“I don’t have enough patience for that,” Tsukishima lied through his teeth._

_“I have all the time in the world,” was what he truly wanted to confess but he knew it wouldn’t matter. He wanted to scream at Kuroo, “I’d wait for you until the end of time, I’d wait for you even when my body gives out, I’m still waiting for you even though you’d never wait for me.”_

_But he didn’t. Instead he traded the sobs that threatened to wreck his body in exchange for an upturned smirk. He shook Kuroo’s hand one last time, desperately trying to remember each line, each scar that littered his flesh._

_He savored the way his soft hands contrasted with Kuroo’s. He relished the way Kuroo’s hand emanated a warmth that he knew he would never feel again. He desperately fought the way his mind reeled as he noticed how his hand fit perfectly against Kuroo’s._

_If he could he would've continued shaking Kuroo's hand until he withered away, but he held on for a second too long. Kuroo pulled his hand back awkwardly and rubbed the back as his neck as he gave a slight wave._

_He watched Kuroo’s back fade into the distance, memorizing how the light shone over him and he looked as though he was adorned with precious gems._

_Tsukishima’s hand was still outstretched towards Kuroo’s lingering figure._

_If he could, he would grab him and force him to stay by his side forever._ _But Kuroo wasn’t his to keep, his hand dropped after he’d disappeared completely from sight._

_With a heavy heart, Tsukishima forced himself to let him go for the first time._

He doesn’t remember moving but suddenly the cigarette in his hand is gone, replaced by a buzzing cell phone. Akaashi’s contact number glowed against the calm darkness and Tsukishima had half a mind to ignore it. He sighed and answered the phone,

“Hello,” he mumbled, fishing out another cigarette from the carton. 

“Tsukishima, I’ve…missed you,” Akaashi’s voice crackled out from the speaker. 

“Yeah it’s been a while,” Tsukishima's fingers slipped as he fumbled with his lighter. 

“Can we meet up? I’d love to catch up, we could get the group together again,” 

A chuckle escaped his throat as he contemplated Akaashi’s words, “I’m busy with my job, maybe another time?” 

“For sure, just...don’t be a stranger. I’m not the only one who misses you,” 

“Yeah yeah, tell Bokuto he’s still in my heart or whatever will make him feel the best,” Tsukishima sighed as he threw the lighter to the side. He'd need to pick up another one on his way to his job. “Sorry but I gotta cut this conversation short, I gotta go to work soon,” he let out a quiet groan as he rubbed his temples harshly. Smoking always gave him a headache and the fumes always burned his eyes when the wind pushed it into his face. 

“We all miss you, let’s talk soon, bye,” Akaashi’s voice wavered before the long _beep_ of the dial tone disrupted the solemnity. 

He sucked in the night air one last time and looked up at the sky. He closed his eyes and imagined himself falling into it, slowly letting him lose himself inside of the void. Falling farther and farther into the unknown, he imagined the roaring rush of air against his ears as he plummeted towards...where was he falling towards? 

With a grunt he pulled himself up and went back to his apartment. The walls seemed smaller than before, as if it was plotting to trap him in there forever and crush him to death.

Despite it being cramped, it was basically barren. Basically devoid of anything that would’ve given a sign that he lived there. If someone asked him to clean it out, he could be done in an hour with a couple minutes left to spare. The apartment would forget that he’d ever lived there and eventually he would too.

He took a quick shower to get the smell of the smoke off of him and put on a clean set of clothes. He hated the way his apartment always faintly smelled of tobacco from his habits. He supposed it was one way to let people remember that he existed. 

There was a light drizzle as he stepped out. He smacked his lips together when a few drops of rain hit him. He tilted his face towards the sky and allowed the rain to batter his face.

Tsukishima touched his face and was surprised to feel the corners of his lips slightly upturned. His feet dragged against the uneven concrete as he tried to avoid the approaching downpour and greeted his coworkers.

“Ah the main event has arrived!” his manager joked as he looked up from the register. Tsukishima gave a light nod and went towards the back to get ready. He felt an itch to grab his cigarettes again but he fought against it and headed towards the piano. 

His fingers felt clumsy as he started to warm up. The keys sounded discordant when he pressed against them. 

“Boo,” The bartender heckled playfully as he rested his elbows against the counter and watched Tsukishima play. Tsukishima shot him a glare before pushing up his glasses and continuing to play a tune. The barkeep laughed and held up his hands in mock surrender, retreating back to polishing the glasses.

If Tsukishima turned around he would’ve notice how the man’s eyes lingered on the indifferent blond. His eyes shone with a unknown expression as he watched from afar. Maybe one day he’d look back up and see for himself.

After Tsukishima decided he was fully warmed up, he started his vocal exercises. He cringed as the sharp notes escaped his throat and noticed that it was still hoarse from smoking. He swallowed roughly and tried again. This time his voice was accompanied by a gentle melody from the piano.

He felt his voice slowly settle and turn into a solemn harmony. He felt the ball of knots in his stomach slowly unravel as the music tumbled from his fingertips. He held his breath as he reached the crescendo of the music. His fingers flicking back and forth before abruptly stopping. His fingers trembled again as he hit a high key twice and allowed the vibrato to flow throughout the room. 

_“You should write a song for me,” Kuroo complained as he draped himself dramatically over the piano._

_“That’d be a crime to music,” Tsukishima deadpanned as he mindlessly continued his melody. His eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to come up with a matching harmony. His pen flicked harmlessly over his paper as he listened to the song in his head._

_He kept his eyes on his paper and tried to ignore the way Kuroo batted his eyes at him, waiting for attention. The brunette sighed and looked imploringly at him. Still Tsukishima ignored him, he sighed again much louder this time and pouted._

_“How can someone so cruel create such beautiful music?” Kuroo mused as he stalked forward to drape his arms over Tsukishima’s shoulders. He buried his face into the crook of Tsukishima’s neck and breathed in his scent. He smelled like the ocean, Kuroo liked to joke it was perfect for him._

_“It’s called talent, try getting some,” Tsukishima spat as he batted Kuroo’s hands away._

_“Then let’s dedicate a song!” Kuroo smiled as he sat down next to Tsukishima._

_“To you? A bit narcissistic, don’t you think?”_

_“Not just for me, for you too, let’s dedicate a song to us,” Tsukishima's cheeks burned as he swatted Kuroo's shoulder._

_"Don't say such embarrassing things,"_ _Kuroo tickled his side and laughed as he dodged another of Tsukishima’s slaps._

_“C’mon! Let’s do it!”_

_“...Then whatever song plays next,” Tsukishima got up and turned on the radio. They stayed silent as they heard the opening note. Tsukishima fought a smile as he tilted his head to listen to the song. Kuroo got up and stretched his hand towards the other boy, his white teeth glinted under the sunlight._

_“May I have this dance?”_

_“Not like I have any other option,” Tsukishima shot back but both boys knew there was no bite behind it. He rose up from the piano bench and took his hand as Kuroo led them to the middle of the room._

_He draped his arms across Kuroo’s broad shoulders and Kuroo snaked his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Tsukishima rested his head against his shoulder and followed Kuroo’s movements. For once he allowed himself to be fall into the gentle melody, swaying to the quiet music in the background._

Tsukishima’s fingers fumbled and he hit the wrong key, disrupting the atmosphere he’d created. He sighed and refocused himself onto the keys. Once again his fingers fluttered over the piano, it almost looked like they were skipping as the notes swirled through the air.

He felt the corners of his lips curl up ever so slightly as he got into the music. His fingers ghosted over the keys as he began to speed up, unconsciously falling into a familiar tune. He didn’t even hear footsteps shuffling into the bar over the volume.

Three figures entered the bar. One looked at Tsukishima almost painfully and tried to escape but was caught by another broad arm. Patrons of the bar looked at the trio in distaste as the sounds of their dragging footsteps threatened to destroy the harmony that Tsukishima was creating. One of the figures made his way to the bar, his eyes never leaving Tsukishima's body. 

He felt the words tumble out of his mouth before he could stop himself from singing. 

“I was Cleopatra, I was young and an actress, when you knelt my mattress and asked for my hand,” 

_“I can’t do this anymore,” Kuroo said as he moved towards the exit._

_“Do what?” Tsukishima asked, his voice devoid of emotion. His heart clenched as Kuroo’s eyes lit up with an emotion he had never seen before._

_“I met someone, I think she might be the one for me and I don’t want to risk it,”_

_“You don’t have to tell me this, I don't care,” Tsukishima lied through his teeth._

_“Well I just though—”_

_“Thinking was never your strong suit,” Tsukishima interrupted, waving his hands to stop him from saying more, “We were never in a relationship... I’m happy that someone was able to make you smile, truly, I’m happy for you,”_

_“Thanks Tsukki... I’ll see you around then?”_

_“Yeah, see you around,”_

_“Please don’t go, don’t do this to me again. Don’t leave me,” Tsukishima almost called out as Kuroo walked down the hallways. His hand curled into a fist. He felt himself tremble but he couldn’t tell whether it was from anger or regret._

_His eyes traced the outline of Kuroo’s body as he rounded the corner, disappearing entirely from his sight. He closed the door and leaned his back against it, it creaked lightly against his weight._

_His shoulders slumped as he collapsed against his door, his knees shook and he hit the ground with a hard thump._

_He sucked in shaky breaths and struggled to keep himself together. He allowed himself another minute to wallow in pity but he didn’t allow his tears to fall._

_He picked himself up from the ground and licked his lips out of habit. All he could taste was the artificial taste of a strawberry lollipop he’s eaten earlier. It was almost as if the flavor was mocking him. A crude imitation of what he was truly craving. A single question infested his mind as he languidly licked his lips,_

_“If I had asked, would you have stayed?”_

_With regret lingering in his heart, Tsukishima watched Kuroo leave his life for the second time._

The words cut his tongue as they continued to spill out but he sang louder, “But I must admit it, that I would marry you in an instant, damn your wife, I'd be your mistress just to have you around,”

_“Kuroo what happened?” Tsukishima dropped his groceries and rushed towards his door. Kuroo was sitting near the entrance, his eyes looked empty under his damp hair. His shirt clung to his body as it dripped water onto Tsukishima’s welcome mat._

_The scent of the rain turned sour as the younger boy watched Kuroo with worried eyes. Kuroo shifted his head towards him. His eyes were bloodshot and his eye bags were more pronounced. Tsukishima ushered him into his apartment as he began to shiver violently._

_Tsukishima brought his groceries inside and quickly moved Kuroo into the bathroom. Tsukishima’s stomach dropped as he looked back at Kuroo. The older boy looked like he wasn't entirely there. Tsukishima listened for the shower to start before he started to make tea. He fiddled anxiously as he waited for Kuroo to come out._

_The gentle padding of his footsteps sounded almost timid, so unlike the person he knew. He wore one of Tsukishima’s old practice shirts from years ago, reminding him of when they’d first met. His tattered stegosaurus pajamas didn’t fit Kuroo as it used to. It seemed looser as it hung low around his waist._

_“Do you wanna talk about it?” Tsukishima asked as he lightly drew circles on his forearm. Kuroo didn’t respond for a bit. His eyes were still muddled but he eventually shook his head. Tsukishima bit his lip as he continued to comfort him. He just whispered reassurances next to his ear, hoping that it would reach him._

_Tsukishima pushed the cup of tea towards the other man who took it wordlessly. The cup flooded his hands with warmth and he let out a quiet sigh._

_Tsukishima’s eyes raked over Kuroo’s guarded expression and he bit back more questions. Instead he got up and played a song on his old keyboard. The happy notes sounded eerily as it echoed around the room._

_His fingers flew fast and faster and lost himself in the swells of music. He lightly swayed to the tune, when he was about to hit the peak Kuroo's voice_ _interrupted._

_“She cheated, she cheated on me. I wasn't enough for her,” Tsukishima's fingers twitched as he stopped playing and looked back at Kuroo. His broken voice cracked as a sob ripped from his throat. He didn’t bother wiping away his tears, he took comfort in the way the world blurred around him. “I don’t know what I did wrong but she just...she told me I wasn’t good enough for her to stay,”_

_Tsukishima’s voice caught in his throat as Kuroo let out another cry. The sound drove the knives in his heart deeper into his faded scars. He slowly walked towards Kuroo and placed his hand over his in a failed attempt to comfort him._

_“You’re an idiot if you actually believe that. She wasn’t good enough for you,” Tsukishima said sternly, “She was_ _never_ _good enough for you,” Kuroo didn’t respond. The words barely entered his mind as his choked sobs filled the room. Tsukishima cringed at the sound and shook his head._

_“I’m sorry…” Tsukishima tried again, his voice softer than before. He moved closer to Kuroo and pressed his palm against his cheek. “What can I do?”_

_“Can you, can you just hold me?”_

_“Kuroo…”_

_“Please, Kei, make me forget,”_

_The morning after was a blur. Tsukishima swung his hand over to the side of the bed and wasn’t surprised when he hit empty air. He laid in his bed for a little longer, trying to remember the way Kuroo’s body felt against his, his voice low and gravelly as he whispered against his flesh. Tsukishima licked his lips and could barely make out the familiar taste, Kuroo was already fading away._

_His head felt woozy as he stood up, his tongue felt like cotton in his mouth. His hand hit the table to grab his glasses but he felt a piece of paper gently tucked under them. He put his glasses on and opened the paper._

_“I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” Kuroo scrawled haphazardly, clearly written in a rush. The ink bled through to the other side. It slightly stained Tsukishima’s fingers black as he brushed his fingers over his words._

_He looked over at the other side of the bed and cringed at the way it looked. Disheveled and rumpled, the wrinkles slightly outlining where Kuroo’s body once was. The pillows were still in that weird formation that Kuroo would do when he slept. A lifetime ago Tsukishima would’ve laughed at the sight. Now it disgusted him, it looked used._

_He went to the bathroom and grimaced at the sight of his body. It was cluttered with bruises around his waist. If he really tried he would be able to make out the outline of his individual fingers. Small love bites trailed down his chest and abdomen, he shifted his shorts and found dark blemishes on his inner thighs. He turned around and looked over his shoulder, his light freckles looked lost among the mess of hickeys._

_“This one looks like Orion,” Kuroo lied once as he gently kissed each one._

_At least Tsukishima had one last moment with Kuroo. One last memory that he can use. He took one last look at his body and felt the bile rise up his throat. His foot slightly slipped against the tile as he dove towards his toilet._

_With tremors down his body, Tsukishima forced himself to let him go a third time._

“So I drive a taxi, and the traffic distracts me from the strangers in my backseat, they remind me of you,” 

He felt hot tears roll down his cheeks as he continued to sing. The bar grew silent as Tsukishima entranced everyone with his voice. A few people walked inside to watch the young singer.

Their hearts tore apart as they felt every emotion that dripped from his words. It was like watching a car wreck. It was pure agony to watch but they just couldn’t look away.

Though his voice was soft, it resonated through the room. His voice sounded eerie as it bounced around the room.

He didn’t look up at the crowd, he just allowed the tears to drip down his chin as he played on.

He couldn’t feel the trio of eyes burning a hole into him.

He couldn't see the somber way that the one at the bar mouthed the words along with him. The music served as a shield against the world around him. 

His breath hitched as he closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ceiling, allowing his muscle memory to take over. He'd played this song so many times before he could play it in his sleep. He couldn’t forget the song if he tried.

“I was Cleopatra, I was taller than the rafters but that's all in the past now, gone with the wind,”

_(To Tetsu): You forgot your necklace_

_Delivered: 6:20 am_

_(To Tetsu): When are you coming to pick it up?_

_Delivered: 6:26 am_

_(To Tetsu):_ **_Draft_ ** _Did I do something wrong?_

 _(To Tetsu):_ **_Draft_ ** _I don’t what I did but I wish you would tell me_

 _(To Tetsu):_ **_Draft_ ** _Was I always a mistake?_

_(To Tetsu): **Draft** Do you miss us the way I miss you?_

_(To Tetsu):_ **_Draft_ ** _I want to hate you as much as you hate me_

 _(To Tetsu):_ **_Draft_ ** _I really do hate you. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate how I can’t stop from going back to you. I hate that I’m still in love with you. I hate that I’m still waiting for you._

_(To Kuroo): I’ll just give it to Akaashi_

_Read: 6:37 am_

_(To +(xxx)xxx-xxxx): Thanks._

_Read: 12:40 pm_

_With trembling fingers, Tsukishima couldn’t do anything but watch as his first love slipped through his hands for a fourth time._

“I won't be late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life and when I die alone, when I die alone, when I die I'll be on time...” His voice waned as he drew out the last note, his throat felt hoarse with use.

His fingers trembled as he swiped his tears away. His eyes burned as more threatened to overwhelm him. The bar slowly erupted into an uneasy applause.

Some simply sat there in their seats and watched the young blond. Those were the ones who were lost in thought, lost in their regrets and mistakes. Tsukishima saw a part of him within them.

Some were hypnotized by the blond. It felt almost wrong to have watched him sing. They felt like they were intruding on his most intimate and vulnerable moment. The way they looked at him sickened Tsukishima. He forced a smile and looked up at the crowd. His eyes slowly floated over the audience but he faltered when he hit the middle. 

His face morphed into one of pure horror as he found himself staring right into Akaashi’s green eyes, filled to the brim with small tears and a wordless apology. His eyes tore itself away and was caught into Bokuto’s pinched facial expression, his hand covered his mouth in astonishment and sorrow. He took a deep breath and shifted his eyes to the right. His eyes screamed but his body felt petrified as he locked gazes. 

It was just a stranger.

A stranger whose golden eyes once held him so adoringly, was now staring at him with remorse.

A stranger whose hands had once held him so delicately, was now gripping the table so harshly Tsukishima could’ve sworn he saw the metal bend.

A stranger whose mouth once whispered secrets against his flesh, was now slightly agape with shock. His lips moved but no noise tumbled out, almost as if he wanted only Tsukishima to hear his words.

A stranger whose tongue ran over his chapped lips, reminding Tsukishima of his own habit.

A stranger who started to get up and move towards the stage. 

Tsukishima stood up so quickly he knocked over his bench. His feet fumbled for stable ground as he continued to retreat. The stranger stretched out his hand to grab him, the faint scarring by his right pinky finger mirrored his own from a long time ago.

Tsukishima recoiled from his hand and ran to his dressing room, allowing himself one last look back at the stranger with pained eyes. He watched as security swarmed the man, pushing him farther and farther away. 

“Good,” Tsukishima thought as he heard the stranger’s guttural voice float over the sounds of his coworkers. His name sounded like a curse word in the stranger’s mouth as he screamed it over and over again.

He slammed the door shut just as his knees gave out and he collapsed in the middle of the room. He barely registered the entrance of his coworker, the bartender who heckled him, who immediately started comforting him. All he could feel was his body shaking and the ringing in his ears grow to a deafening volume.

He turned off his ringer as his phone flooded with text messages and calls. He stuffed his phone deep into his bag and tried to fight the urge to read everything. He knew that if he did, he would end up forgiving him. 

_I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore._

_I can’t keep waiting for you to look at me the way you looked at her, the way you used to look at me._

_I can’t keep smoking cigarettes just for a taste of you._

_I can’t keep writing messages in hopes that one day I’ll be able to send them._

_I can’t keep running back to you at the slightest hint of this._

_I can’t keep letting you disappoint me over and over again._

_I can’t afford to keep loving you anymore._

_Maybe you were right when you spoke all those years ago. Except those words slipped out of the wrong mouth._

_You will be the death of me._

_I’m not sorry anymore._

_I can’t keep waiting for you to love me when I know that every second I do, I die a little more inside._

_So please, for the first time in your life, please let me go._

**Author's Note:**

> i was thinking of writing a sequel in kuroo's perspective but who knows? comment any thoughts, criticisms, or advice, i love to hear from you guys! thanks for reading till the end <3


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